One of the reasons that wives hesitate to try new things in
their relationship is for fear of how their husbands will react. If they do
something and their husbands get upset
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their husbands are pleased they believe they are doing the right thing. In many
marriages, following this pattern will lead to relationship failure. A husband's
anticipated reaction to a new idea or a new change is not a good way to tell if
that idea or change would be beneficial.
Naturally, everyone wants their
lives and their relationships to get better and better. At the same time, people
hesitate to make the necessary changes which will improve their relationships
and lives. Change is sometimes scary because we don't know how other people will
react. Relationship coaches point out that although all change carries some
risk
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Procrastination and short term comfort often leads to long term
misery.
We do need to be wise in our efforts to improve our relationships
and lives. The kind of changes that we need to be most concerned about making
are not changes which other people will not like, but rather changes which will
actually be harmful to them. There is a world of difference between someone not
liking something and it being harmful to them. To have a great relationship and
peace of mind, you must be able to distinguish between the two.
For
example, if you decide that once a week you are going to go out with a same sex
friend for lunch
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not harm him. In fact, in the long run it would be good for him because he would
have a happier wife. He would adjust. Things would get better.
On the
other hand, if you decide that you are going to stay at home so that he does not
become upset
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harm him. As you give up more and more of yourself to appease your husband, you
will grow more and more resentful. This will harm both yourself and your husband
as your relationship grows more distant.
To determine whether a choice on
your part would be beneficial or harmful to your relationship (and thus
beneficial or harmful to your husband), you need to ask yourself what the long
term consequence would be if you did that behavior regularly. Staying home one
time may avoid short term conflict. Staying home regularly may increase the
emotional gap between you and your husband. Sacrificing your happiness for the
sake of less conflict ends up sacrificing the relationship.
In a healthy
relationship, it turns out that what is good for one of the partners is good for
both. "Good" does not mean
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rather the long term impact on the relationship. We can learn the same lesson
from parenting. What is "good" for your child may not be what your child wants
at the time, but in the long run will result in greater love and respect from
your child. Give your child candy every day for dinner now and he may like you
for a while although he will lose all respect for you very soon. When he does,
it will take more than candy to satisfy him.
When working on relational
goals
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Anthony Jersey , we need to be sure that the goals are directed at
our own behavior and not that of our husbands. Let's say, for example, that you
and your husband have very little communication beyond a few basic greetings and
information that is important for the day to day running of your home. You would
like to increase the amount of communication that you have with your husband, so
you plan to start asking him about his day and telling him about yours. After
all
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Jerseys , that is a common thing that people discuss. If you make
your goal, 1) his talking about his day, and 2) his asking you about your day,
then you have not made good goals. These goals would depend on his changing.
Trying to change your partner will get you nowhere that you want to
go.
On the other hand
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his day, 2) to use good listening skills, and 3) to show that what he is saying
is important to you
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these goals is under your control. They do not depend on your husband doing
anything. Whether or not he talks or asks about your day, you can achieve these
goals.
Not having to depend on your husband changing frees you to work
on making positive changes in yourself. You can become a wonderful wife without
ever making one goal for your husband. There is no more powerful way to change
another person than to change yourself. I'm not saying that you should make the
other person's changing your goal, but that changing yourself will result in
others changing how they respond to you--including your husband.
Your
relationship can never be destroyed by your doing something that is healthy and
good for both you and your husband. And, although your husband could choose to
leave you for any reason
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Burke Knicks Jersey , that is true whether or not you make any
changes to your life. It is also not reasonable to expect anyone to pat you on
the back for making positive changes in your life (except for your coach!). More
important than a pat on the back is your contribution to your long term
happiness and the long term success of your marriage.
You can begin today
to take responsibility for improving your life and your relationships. You have
the power to improve both. There is no one that can stop you except yourself. By
combining learning with action you can have success in reaching your goals far
beyond what you are able to imagine.
Author's
Resource Box
Jack Ito PhD is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach.
Download his Free Relationship Planning G
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